gomen ne, tenshi
by Luni Sedai
Summary: Yes, Ryou! It's Bakura! Joy explodes in my chest like a bomb, the shrapnel of it lodging tightly in my throat as the lump of fear is replaced by a ball of something...something so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.
1. pain

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I woke up in a dream today  
  
To the cold of the static  
  
Put my cold feet on the floor  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
My eyes opened, wakened by the unusual chill in the air. something's missing I realized numbly. I turned my head slowly and my eyes swept over the empty space where Ryou has slept ever since he began having those nightmares. Strange- Ryou always slept later than I, complacent in his Yami's protection. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, wincing at the cold tiles beneath my already cold feet and the slight rush of dizziness upon standing up.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Forgot about yesterday  
  
Remembering, I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore  
  
A little taste of hypocrisy  
  
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake  
  
Slow to react  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
I shook my head groggily and as the fogs of sleep rolled apart in my mind, my brain registered that -Ryou was gone-.  
  
I stood there for a moment, trying to figure out with my still-bleary mind what was going on. Then, with quickly indrawn breath, I remembered.  
  
  
  
x|flashback|x  
  
Ryou had gotten home late last night from a date with Seto Kaiba to find me on the couch; in what he thought was sleep. The TV was flickering in front of me, and a half-finished cup of white wine resided next to me on the coffee table. I allowed Ryou to entertain the foolish idea of me being asleep and therefore harmless as I thought about my pitiful weakness with mounting anger. To my immense chagrin, I had tried to gain Ryou's affections, doing anything possible that would bring a smile to his lips, cherishing those aforementioned smiles, and anything he said or did that may indicate something more than an uneasy truce between a Yami and his Aibou. Then, the day had come when my world shattered; Seto Kaiba asked Ryou out and Ryou -accepted- leaving my heart to break and lie in the dust.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Even though you're so close to me,  
  
You're still so distant  
  
And I can't bring you back  
  
It's true  
  
The way I feel  
  
What is promised by your face  
  
The sound of your voice  
  
Painted on my memories  
  
Even if you're not with me  
  
I'm with you  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
My eyes opened and I made my presence felt by Ryou. Ryou turned around and said in his gentle voice, "Oh, I'm sorry, Yami, did I wake you up?"  
  
My voice was deceptively pleasant and courteous in my reply. "Not at all, I wasn't sleeping, Aibou."  
  
Ryou looked a bit nonplussed but only said blandly, "Oh." He seemed about to say more, but I overrode him.  
  
"How was your date? Was it fun? Did he," My eyes darkened, "Did he -kiss- you good night?"  
  
Ryou, completely unaware about what effect his answer made answered easily, "Oh yes, it was great. It was really fun to get out of the house and actually have something to do on a Friday night. We're going out again next Thursday," Ryou said, smiling brightly at his Yami, not knowing the effects of his innocuous words, not knowing that his words were driving a blade into an already bleeding wound.  
  
I gritted my teeth and spat out between them, "I -said- did he kiss you good night?"  
  
Ryou, "No, of course not, this is only our first date! But he did hug me and gave me a peck on the cheek..."  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
You, now I see, giving everything inside  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, giving everything inside  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes  
  
With you  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
And in a flash, he was against the wall, pinned by my weight. "Oh, really," I said, still keeping up the pretense of having a conversation with him over tea and crumpets. "I'm glad for you." My eyes narrowed. "Really, I am."  
  
Ryou's eyes widened with fear and consternation, as if wondering what he did wrong. He really had no idea...  
  
"Y-Yami? What's wrong?"  
  
I laughed bitterly. I could see Kaiba and Ryou hugging, and Kaiba kissing Ryou's cheek, and Ryou's eyes filled with a happiness I never saw because he was -never- happy around me. The salt was in the wound, the pain burning through me, leaving no reason in its wake.  
  
Ryou spoke through our mind link  
  
/Yami, please don't do what I think you're going to do/  
  
//and what, pray tell, do you think I'm going to do?//  
  
A pause.  
  
/Hurt me/ a slightly hysterical edge. /And I couldn't bear that/  
  
//Too bad//  
  
/Please... don't hurt me like you did before.../  
  
What was the point of withholding the blows? Reining in the anger? I would never have him anyway. I threw him against the far wall almost casually and stalked over to where Ryou lay in a crumpled heap. Smirking sadistically, I kicked him in the ribs with booted feet and brutal force.  
  
/Onegai.../ Ryou pleaded weakly, knowing his pleading was to no avail /yamete.../  
  
//You were always too weak, Hikari//  
  
I hauled him up and punched him in the stomach, gaining a small 'oof' from my Aibou, and brought clenched fists down upon his bowed head. I felt no remorse. That would come later when the fires of anger didn't cloud my judgment.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I hit you and you hit me back  
  
We fall to the floor  
  
The rest of the day stands still  
  
Find love between this and that  
  
But when things go wrong,  
  
I pretend that the past isn't real  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
I turned around and headed for our- my bedroom. Tonight's entertainment was over.  
  
/I heard that, Yami/  
  
//So?//  
  
/Is that really what you think when you're beating me up? when you're -hurting- me?/  
  
//Depends on my mood//  
  
/Your mood? YOUR MOOD?!/  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I'm trapped in this memory  
  
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake  
  
Slow to react  
  
And even when you're so close to me  
  
You're still so distant  
  
And I can't bring you back  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Hysterical laughter met my ears, and a sudden weight was on my back, bearing me down. He began buffeting me... with a pillow...  
  
//A pillow, Aibou?// I allowed amusement to seep through my comment. //Is that the best you can do?// I began to flip him over, ready to regain my position, when I saw the pillow raised above Ryou, then blur and become a glittering knife.  
  
/Do you know what -my- mood is, Yami? Make a wild guess/ Ryou slashed with his knife, and the knife was just about to cut my bare arm when it blurred again and became a pillow once again. Even in anger, Ryou wouldn't- and couldn't hurt anyone.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It's true  
  
The way I feel  
  
What is promised by your face  
  
The sound of your voice  
  
Painted on my memories  
  
Even if you're not with me  
  
I'm with you  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Standing up, Ryou tossed the pillow aside, and as it landed on the couch it became a knife again for a split second. His voice cold and his face expressionless, Ryou told me, "I told you not to hurt me." With that, he walked out the door, not a trace of sadness in his voice.  
  
/I pleaded for you not to hurt me.../  
  
I tried to say something, anything to him through our mind link but Ryou had effectively put up his mental defenses.  
  
I couldn't speak to him, and he wouldn't speak to me.  
  
x|end flashback|x  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
You, now I see, giving everything inside  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes,  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, giving everything inside,  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes  
  
With you  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
I slowly went into the living room where evidence of our conflict still lingered: the wall against which Ryou had been thrown sported an askew painting and a very slight dent, showing just how hard I had thrown my Hikari. My eyes soften and thoughts uninvited flit across my mind. I didn't mean to be so forceful. For someone with such a slight, slim frame to make a dent in the wall- I shake my head. I'm surprised my Aibou hadn't pass out upon impact.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
I won't let you control my fate  
  
While I'm holding the weight of the world on my conscience  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
My eyes fall on the pillow, innocently lying on the couch among its fellows. Evidence of the closest Ryou had ever come to hurting -anyone-. Driven to near violence by me. I sit down on the couch and hug the pillow. And, staring into empty space, I begin to giggle hysterically, rocking back and forth. He hates me so much, he actually dragged out from that dank, dusty, cobwebby corner of his mind the Shadow Powers that I was so adept in. Yup, the best way of winning your love's heart is to beat him and drive him to the darkest regions of his very soul. I laugh harder; I would write books, go on talk shows, and become an advice columnist with that advice. Tears brim in my eyes, from my uncontrolled hysteria or something else, but I force them back. I haven't cried for nearly five hundred years, and I'm not about to start now.  
  
Exerting extreme self-control, I shakily stand up and still my laughter. A walk is what I need, to empty my mind. Already, pictures of Ryou being comforted by Kaiba, beaming at this 'savior'. My mind's eye showing me my Hikari and Kaiba hugging, kissing...  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
I won't just sit here and wait  
  
While you're weighing your options, you're making a fool of me*~  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Sternly, I banish these torturous thoughts and I walk quickly out of the door. I shall walk to a bar I know that doesn't care about age as long as you had money. Perhaps I could 'drown my sorry' or at least submerge it with headaches. I smile grimly at the thought. I create a wad of cash with the help of my Shadow Powers, and stuff it into my pocket. I take long strides, trying to leave those images behind.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
You didn't dare try to say that you don't care  
  
And solemnly swear not to follow me there  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
I walk up a rather steep hill, on the sidewalk that was next to the highway. As I crest the top of the hill, I stop, rooted to the spot by shock. There he was. My Hikari, my Aibou, my other half. The headlights of cars washed over him, illuminating him and glinting on tears that ran down his pale face. Why wasn't he with Kaiba? Why was he here? And then it hit me; a physical pain that nearly made me double over in agony. The pain...radiating from Ryou...  
  
Surreptitiously, I slip into his mind and cut into the middle of Ryou's anguished thoughts.  
  
/...I couldn't tell him what -really- happened last night, couldn't have told him I was- was -raped- and found by Jounouchi. Couldn't tell him that I stood Seto up and now he probably hates me. Couldn't couldn't couldn't just -couldn't-/  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
It ain't like me to beg on my knees  
  
Oh please, oh baby, please, that's not how I want to do things  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Ryou shook his head violently.  
  
/But... he should have felt it, should have known my smile was too bright, my story too happy. He should have -felt- the pain.../  
  
His silver head bowed, and a rank, filthy monster climbed to my heart and clawed at the remnants of my heart, shredding it to infinitesimal, barely there pieces.  
  
/...but he was too caught up in his anger... when I finally begin to trust him, to feel there was -somewhere- safe in this god-forsaken world... when all I needed was safety... he picked last night to revert back to his old ways... to -hurt- me again... but I suppose I should thank him, for without him lashing out at me, I wouldn't have dragged up from within myself the -power- that was always there... the power that would help me in my venture.../  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
No, I'm not upset, no I'm not angry  
  
I know lover's love is love but sometimes it pains me  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
For a wild moment, I thought he was thinking of taking over the world, but I immediately discard that thought. I step forward, perhaps to say sorry, to admit the feelings I've tried so vainly to ignore, when I feel determination fill my Hikari, and the darkness of Shadow Power engulf him. I continue forward, thinking vaguely of helping him, of saving him, of stopping him from whatever he was planning to do. The Shadow Power begins to slowly drain away from my Aibou, but something's different about Ryou. He looks as beautiful and pure as usual, but now there's a definite sheen of darkness, settling about him like a cloak.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
I'll never be without you, I'll always be with you  
  
You'll never forgive me, I'm keeping you with me*~  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
/Where I expect safety, I receive pain, where I expect love, I get brutal violence, where I expect to FINALLY HAVE A NORMAL LIFE, everything changes... the only way to free myself from pain is to not have expectations. But so long as I live, I will have expectations... this is the only way for me to free myself. The -only- way.../  
  
What- what was Ryou thinking? What was this 'way'? I watch as my Hikari takes a deep breath; out of the corner of my eye, I could see a truck heading toward the spot next to where Ryou stood on the highway. My eyes widen with shock and my body stops moving, as Ryou steps into the middle of the bustling highway, directly in the path of the oncoming truck.  
  
The truck barreled forward, and I wonder why it didn't stop, didn't brake. Couldn't the damn driver see?!! Then a wave of understanding cascades over me, pulling me under, drowning me in horror and guilt. Ryou was going to kill himself! That cloak of darkness he made from Shadow Powers that I evoked was to conceal him from the rest of the world! That driver wouldn't know a thing until he plowed headlong into my beautiful, frail Aibou.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
No I won't let you take me to the end of my world  
  
Where you bar it and torture my soul  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Time seemed to slow and congeal around me as I jerked my body into desperate motion, and yet seemed to become impossibly fast, making the truck fly toward my love.  
  
//It's my fault, Hikari. I was the one who made you discover the Shadows...//  
  
/Bakura..?/  
  
Sadness enters my beloved's voice.  
  
/The world hurts me, life hurts me, -you- hurt me...this is the only way to escape pain.../  
  
Tears burst forth from me.  
  
//Don't...onegai...don't do this to me!//  
  
/Don't cry, Yami, but rejoice! I have found the way to defeat Pain and Misery! I go... into a happier death...let me find happiness.../  
  
I rush toward where my love stands, his unwavering gaze on me and bestowing his gentle smile upon my unworthy self as he waited for Death. I was too slow...too late...  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
No I'm not your puppet  
  
And no, no, no I won't let you go  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Then, I was there. Ryou's calm shatters as my hands push him out of the way with all the strength in me, sending him sprawling out of danger back onto the sidewalk that was on the other side. Using my Shadow Powers, I bound him to the sidewalk so he wouldn't foolishly attempt to save me or to try and die with me.  
  
The truck bore down on me-  
  
//I'm sorry, Ryou...//  
  
the headlights blind me-  
  
//I should've known//  
  
the bellowing horn deafened me...  
  
//Aishiteru, Ryou...//  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
and the tears of my Hikari kills me  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
No  
  
No matter how far we've come I can't wait to see tomorrow  
  
No matter how far we've come I can't wait to see tomorrow  
  
  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, giving everything inside  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes  
  
  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, giving everything inside  
  
With you  
  
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
[owari] 


	2. insanity

Screaming.

On and on. Thin, undying and raw, as if torn from his very heart.

Tears.

Pouring down his face, some slipping into his mouth and most dripping onto the still form of his Yami.

Sirens.

Flashing red and blue, the ambulance arriving too late.

Searching.

For his Yami in his soul, in the Millennium Ring. Finding nothing, emptiness and void...

Anguish.

_Night owl calls while the dove soars across the silver moon,_

_All alone, the rose petals close, and kiss the night,_

_All across the darkened night sky sail fireflies_

_Gently lighting shadows that hide a thousand eyes_

Voices broke through my internal torture. Outside my door, speaking loudly, too loudly, chattering away, mostly untouched by the prevalent grief in my heart- too untouched.

My friends.

"Hey, Ryou! Wanna come with us to the arcade to play that dance game that Anzu is so crazy over?" There was Jounouchi.

"Yeah, it'll be great- Jounouchi's going to try it out and we're going to laugh at his clumsy attempts."

Honda.

"Hey, I heard dat!"

"Come on, Ryou have some fun now that your Yami's gone- he can't hurt you anymore." And Anzu.

/If only you knew- his absence hurts more than any physical pain can.../

I sighed, shaking my head. Plastering a fake smile onto my face, I opened the door and greeted my friends warmly, struggling to keep my smile from turning into a grimace at the sight of those cheerful faces.

"Hi, guys! I'd love to go with you to the arca-" I paused, then doubled over in fake pain, clutching my stomach, "Itai!"

"Are you okay?" Yuugi asked anxiously, always the concerned one.

"Yeah, I'll be ok... but I don't think I'm up for the arcade- not today anyway. Sorry." I lied, shaking my head sadly. "Maybe another time."

"Oh, okay."

"Yeah, another time."

"Hope you feel better soon, Ryou."

"We'll see you in school."

"OK," I agreed, forcing myself to smile again, "See you guys later. Have fun."

The group turned and walked away, babbling on about nothing at all. Sighing again, I went back into my empty house, closed the door and locked it. Didn't -any- of them understand? I smirked bitterly, and caught my reflection in the mirror that was just inside the door. Startled, I realized that the expression reflected was one Bakura often wore. Shaking my head, I turned away from the mirror and headed into the kitchen. No, of course they didn't. Not that they tried, of course.

_A dream, dream, no dream_

_You can feel the forest calling out to you_

_A dream, dream, no dream,_

Rooting through cabinets and cupboards, my fingers soon touched a water glass, dusty and in the corner of one of the various cabinets. Perfect! I nodded to myself, carefully wiped the dust away, then, hesitating for a split second, threw it at the linoleum floor as hard as I could. It shattered on impact, small pieces of glass flying into the air, and sparkling sadly before losing its fight with gravity and tinkling softly to the ground.

Grinning for real this time--this was too easy--I searched through the broken glass and soon found a shard just the right size. Placing it on the table, I proceeded to clean up the rest of the broken glass. Wouldn't want to step on it and hurt myself, would I? I chuckled to myself at the joke.

Finished with cleaning up, and still laughing, I went over to the sink, picked up the piece of glass in my right hand and held my left arm over the sink. Setting the glass against my skin--this is it--I slowly pierced my pale skin, staring at it until I drew blood. Breath coming faster, I watched, horribly fascinated, as a trail of blood wound around my arm to collect on my fingertips, then--_plip--_fall into the sink.

_Close your eyes, my darling child…_

_When the dawn comes, you'll see these things I have for you_

_Morning dew and the scent of a jasmine summer breeze_

At that, all I had felt since my Yami died came rushing, roaring, to the surface. Anger, guilt, self-recrimination, and sorrow made the blood pound in my ears, urging me to cut deeper. Then, half in a daze, I lifted the shard, turned it sideways and cut again, crisscrossing through my previous cut, forming an X. The blood glistened on the glass, the light reflected from the fluorescent light swinging above me welling forth under the taint of blood.

_Night hawk sings as the black raven circles overhead,_

_All alone, the white lily bends and slowly dies,_

_All across the darkened night sky, the thunder roars_

_Winds come howling harmony to a lone wolf's cry_

I let out a deep sigh, dazedly watching my blood- my pain leaving me…at last… But-- no! That small puddle was not enough! _Still_ the anger churned-_still_ the guilt clawed at me-_still_ the pain of lost love throbbed. Would it _never_ stop! Almost sobbing now, I cut, cut, and cut, over and over on both arms, leaving gashes and wounds. I had to get it out! Out, out, out, OUT!

"RYOU! WHAT ARE YOU'RE DOING!" The glass was wrenched from my unsteady grasp. I turned upon my father, eyes frenzied and glazed. What was _he_ doing here, dammit! He was never home, and yet, when I need him gone, here he is!

"GIVE THAT BACK!" Hn? Who said that? I seemed to be far away from this place…merely watching someone who looked like me; there, that idiot with the white hair. Then I was back in my own body. I didn't know what to do, just went with what I had to do- retrieve my salvation. Release myself from my turmoil…

_A dream, dream, no dream_

_You can feel the forest calling out to you,_

_A dream, dream, no dream_

I made a wild grab for it, but my father pushed me away. "GIVE IT BACK! I NEED IT! _I NEED IT!_" I shrieked incoherently, tears streaming unchecked down my face. Hardly aware of what I was doing, I flew at my father, kicking, scratching, punching, trying, all in vain, to get it back.

"What happened to you, Ryou?" My father dearest asked in a horrified whisper. As if he ever knew me enough to have the right to say _that_. For all he knew, I might have been doing this all my life.

He began backing out of the kitchen, taking the glass with him, "I-I'm going to get you help. You j-just stay t-there…"

Staring helplessly after my father, I sank down into a corner, drawing my legs up and wrapping my bloody arms around my knees, eyes shadowed. I whimpered softly, resting my head on my knees. 'If only's' ran through my head- if only my father hadn't come home just then… if only I had cut faster, deeper… if only-I sighed, feeling tears prickle at the back of my throat-if only Bakura were still here.

"If 'ifs' or 'ands' were pots and pans, we'd all be tinkers." I whispered to myself. I giggled quietly and repeated the phrase to myself. All of a sudden, this phrase seemed to be the only thing I could muster from my broken self. "If 'ifs' or 'ands' were pots and pans, we'd all be tinkers." I laughed again, silently, my shoulders shaking, and it was only when I felt warm liquid soak through the knees of my pants did I realize I was crying…

_Close your eyes, my darling child_

_When the dawn comes, you'll see these things I have for you_

That was how they found me, curled up in a corner, crying. When they arrived, I stood up, vainly trying to stop the flow of tears, and wiping fruitlessly at my face with my shirt. There were three of them, all tall, all stern, all wearing white suits, and all staring impersonally at me. I gazed back at them until my father came in.

"Konnichiwa, gentlemen. This is my son, Ryou."

I winced at my father's voice. Always had to be polite, didn't he? Courteous even to those who would be taking me away from him to who-knows-where for who-knows-how-long. But what could I expect from a father who was only home about twice a year? Three if I was lucky.

They nodded to him in an impressively professional manner. Coming toward me, one took each of my arm, while the third remaining said impassively, "If there is anything that either of you would like to say to each other, say it now. You may not see each other for at least half a year."

I kept my mouth shut. There was nothing more I could say to my father. Even if I tried to explain, he wouldn't understand and would probably think me more insane if I were to start blabbering about yamis and such.

Sighing, my father looked at me sorrowfully. "I'm sorry, Son. But I'm doing this for your sake and because I love you."

Whatever. I knew perfectly well that the only reason I was being sent off to a mental ward was because my father didn't have the time--or perhaps, the inclination--to stay home and make sure I didn't hurt myself. Repressing a sigh of my own, I asked quietly, "Are you done?"

Taken aback, my father nodded uncertainly.

Suddenly, I couldn't stand the sight of my father any longer; I didn't care where I was going, I just wanted to get away from this faux of a father. I turned to the man who wasn't holding me. "Can we go now?"

The man also nodded, and gestured to the men. Carrying me unceremoniously out the door, they tossed me into their truck that had "DOMINO CITY MENTAL INSTITUTION" written on the side of it. As the car began to move, I lay down and began to cry again as I realized that I was now truly alone. I asked myself wildly, over and over again how this could have happened. My yami--gone. The love I held for my absent father--gone. My friends--gone. My sanity--gone. My life--GONE!

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, I found myself wishing that Bakura hadn't saved me that day. Why did he have to interfere? With these kind of thoughts circling my mind, I rumbled and jounced toward the end of my sanity.

_Loneliness and a silence that smothers everywhere_


	3. uncertainty

He's crying again.

He lies on his side, facing the wall, one curled hand out, brushing the wall slightly, crying. But I'm not sure that what he is doing constitutes as crying. The tears are there, yes--streaking slowly down his pale face, lovingly tracing his cheekbones. They collect at his chin, and drip onto the floor, a puddle he doesn't seem aware of. Other than that, there is no outward sign of the fear, the despair, the darkness in his heart, slowly consuming him. His wide brown eyes are empty, face clear and blank, the eyelashes sweeping down occasionally the only telltale sign of life.

_Sometimes I imagine his reaction when I finally garner enough strength to create a corporeal form, to become once again a presence in his mind that he can feel. His eyes--god those eyes--would widen, hope would shine in its chocolate depths. He would look down, away, and then look back, thinking I am a mirage, a figment of his imagination. His hands--those gentle hands whose touch I have never felt--would hesitantly reach out, fingers mere inches from my face. He would stop, looking at me for permission, acceptance. Slowly, the tips of his fingers would come forward to rest lightly on my cheek..._

He's not moving.

His eyes are closed, and the tears are trickling to a stop. His chest has stopped rising and falling. I stare, fear a lump in my threat. My pounding heart counts out the seconds.

His fingers are beginning to uncurl from its tight fist...

_What is he doing!_

_I leap to my feet and throw myself at the door of my soul room, slamming against it, trying to use my body weight as leverage to get the damn thing open. I need..._

_  
"_RYOU

_I need him to..._

_  
"Wake up! Stand up! GET UP!"_

His eyes open gradually, and the breath hitches in his throat. Carefully, like a broken machine reassembling itself, he gets to his knees. Looking around, a spark of life flickering in his eyes, he pushes himself off the ground. His voice comes out an inarticulate croak, buried so long, it's inaudible.

"Bak..ura?"

_He can hear me?_

_"Yes, Ryou! It's Bakura!" Joy explodes in my chest like a bomb, the shrapnel of it lodging tightly in my throat as the lump of fear is replaced by a ball of something...something so beautiful it brings tears to my unblinking eyes._

He clears his throat, coughs a couple of times. The hope in his eyes dimming already, he speaks in a louder, more confident voice. "Bakura. Is- Is that you?"

_"Yes, it is! Can you hear me, Ryou? Ryou!"_

"Bakura? Bakura? Bakura!" With each repetition of my name, he becomes more and more frantic, hands fluttering agitatedly to his head.

_"Ryou," I strive to keep my voice steady, "Ryou, it's me. Calm down. I'm here now, and I won't ever let anything happen to you again." He continues to say my name, no reaction to my words, "Ryou!" _

His arms cross his midriff, hugging himself protectively, holding on tightly as if he was afraid that he'd fly apart otherwise. His voice is a whisper now, "Ba...ku..." His eyes close, and a tear streaks down his left cheek. He gracelessly sinks back to the ground, a puppet whose strings have been cut, "BAKURA!"

_Damn it! "RYOU!"_

Suddenly, his head snaps back up, and a cruel smirk curls his lips. With a different voice, he speaks gently to himself, "Ryou, Bakura's not here. He's gone, you see. He's gone." He shakes his head in mute denial, the streams of silver still flowing. The other voice grows harsher, becomes angry, "He's dead, you hear me? DEAD!" He continues, his voice insidiously soft, smug, "You should know."

_I'm screaming now._

"After all, you killed him."

He screams.

The doctors and nurses come rushing in, nurses brandishing needles and hurriedly injecting him with it, doctors tilting his head back and pouring a viscous blue liquid into his open mouth. He chokes on it, the screams stop, and he coughs, the liquid splattering onto the ground. The doctor tries to make him drink more, but he refuses, shaking his head, and still coughing. He scrambles away from them until his back hits the reassuring padded wall behind him, and he starts screaming again.

Abruptly he stops, and slumps to the floor a the nurse nods in satisfaction. Her job was well done, and the doctors commend her as they exit the room, leaving only me to watch him as he continues to cry in his sleep. Only me to hear his screams. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Nothing at all.

---

--Doctor Ryodan--

"Ah, so it's you again, Bakura-san," Doctor Ryodan looked at the clipboard in his hand as his patient stared sullenly at him. "Says here you were screaming your own last name, in hysterics," His glasses glinted and the patient shrugged.

Dr. Ryodan leaned back in his expensive leather reclining chair, steepling his fingers and peering at the patient over them, "Bakura-san, we've been through this many times: Your 'Yami Bakura' is not an entity separate from yourself; from the start, this has been an open and shut case of multiple personality disorder. Shall we review again the reasons why this is so?"

The patient stared at him mutely in reply. Taking his silence as affirmation, the doctor began, "First of all, his name is Bakura. Your last name."

The patient nodded.

"The fact that you call him that ties you to the 'Bakura' ego--therefore, 'Bakura' is Bakura, and you've been admitting it to yourself all along."

Through frozen lips, the patient protested in a monotone, "I already told you-- we only call him Bakura because he's the closest to me and--"

Dr. Ryodan cut him off abruptly, "Not only that, you call him Yami--as in Dark--Bakura. Obviously, he is the deepest darkest part of your soul, given frightening substance by your disturbed mind."

"But I have bruises-- from when he beat me!" The patient pulled his sleeve up, revealing yellowing

evidence of the fact.

The doctor looked at him almost pityingly, "When your father found you, you were cutting yourself; who's to say those bruises aren't self-inflicted?"

"I only did that after Bakura died. There was no other way to deal with the pain!" The words were emphatic, but belied by the patient's voice, thin and faltering.

"Why would you feel pain at his 'death' if he beat you?"

The patient had no answer.

"See? The basis of your reasoning is ultimately faulty, all you need is logic to decipher the truth. Accept it, understand yourself. Maybe then we can start making some progress," He looked at the clock on his wall, "You can go now, Bakura-san. Think on what I said."

The patient left without another word.

---

--Ryou Bakura--

He does exist! I know he does. He's been a part of my life for so long, how can his existence even come into question? This place, it's making me doubt myself...these walls, these halls, the rooms, the people. I- I know that even if he's gone now, he did live once.

I mean...you can't fall in love with yourself, can you? Nor can you fall in love with a part of yourself that you've ignored and repressed.

Or is that just my deepening dementia? Spiraling down, down further into insanity?

It is rather inexplicable how I could miss him with such searing agony, considering how assiduously abusive he was while he was alive. Perhaps it's that Stockholm Syndrome, where you come to identify with your kidnapper, in this case with your abuser. Maybe I'm masochistic?

He was real!

His abuse was real.

His voice, hair, eyes, imprinted forever on my soul...they're real.

Those few weeks when he treated me with affection, kindness...something akin to love were real, too...

Yes. No doubt about it. Not only was he real, he is. He's here with me now, I'm sure of it. Honestly, how

can a spirit die? That's not possible-he's not mortal after all.

/Bakura/

...I'm just making sure

/Bakura! Please answer me/

It doesn't really mean anything whether he answers me or not...

/BAKURA! You're there, aren't you/

Stupid, inane questions I already know the answer to.

/You are real, right? You are, and you were, and you always will-/

"-'Bakura' is Bakura, and you've been admitting it to yourself all along."

/-be. Right/

"-An open and shut case of multiple personality disorder-"

/Right./

"-Why would you feel pain at his 'death' if he beat you?"

/right/

Wrong.

No!

WrongwrongWrongWRONGwrongwrongwrongWRONGwRonGwrongWRONGWRONGwrongWrongwrongwrong

The word reverberates in my mind in Dr. Ryodan's voice.

Yes.

Wrong.

"--progress."

---

--Yami Bakura--

When I awake, I feel the anxious excitement percolating in my veins. Finally, my strength has been fully restored. I was right in thinking that conserving my energy was the fastest road to recovery. This meant I would go into a deep sleep, allowing my body to recharge. Of course, this was very risky; who knew what would happen to Ryou while I wasn't watching over him? But it was worth it!

I leap to my feet, burst out of my soul room, and materialize next to Ryou.

He's sleeping.

Damn. My shoulders slump and I sigh. Now I have to wait. Ah well. I flex my hand, enjoying the feeling of having a body again. Experimentally, I wiggle my feet. I stretch luxuriously, like a cat, and I yawn just

because I can. I then stare at Ryou, trying to wake him with my gaze.

I'm almost bouncing in anticipation when he finally opens his eyes. Slowly, his chocolate-brown irises are revealed, and when he looks at me, I feel a piercing pleasure in my heart.

"Ryou!" I pull him up to a standing position, and crush him in my embrace. I swear, I can hear sweet violin music playing, and-- are those fresh roses I smell in his hair.

...Heh. Who would've thought I was a romantic?

But wait. He's struggling in my arms, trying to get free. Bewildered, I let go, "What's wrong?"

He averts his eyes and the set of his mouth becomes stubborn.

"What's the matter?" I try unsuccessfully to catch his eyes.

"You're not real," He mumbles.

"What!"

"You're not real!" He screams, "Dr. Ryodan was right--you don't exist, you aren't a solid, separate person!"

I don't mean to, but I respond before I can stop myself. Instead of reassuring him kindly that I was real, I snap at him, "You're insane! Don't you think I, of all people, would know whether I'm real or not?"

Ryou nods, still avoiding my eyes as if they were lasers that would strike him blind, "That's right. I'm insane. That's the problem."

I stare at him despairingly as he continues to speak.

"I was making great progress. Why'd you have to appear? Must be a delusional outbreak. Don't you understand? My mind created you; that's why you look like me. My insanity is so deep, my psyche so warped, I even fell in love with you. Which means I'm in love with a part of myself," He laughs bitterly, "I seriously need help."

"That's not true!" I spread my arms, fruitlessly searching for the right words, "These arms that yearn to hold you--these eyes that can't stop gazing upon you--this heart that aches for you--they're all real!"

Something flickered in his eyes, something that showed he was wavering.

"Those so-called psychiatrists have brainwashed you. Don't worry though, I'm here to take you away from this place." I draw hesitantly closer and place a hand on his shoulder. My other hand brings his chin up gently so his eyes meet mine.

"I am real, I am here, and I always will be."

_Believe me._

I can feel his shoulders tense, and he seems determined to disbelieve me.

_Please._

"Really?" His eyes soften and I nod firmly. He looks down shyly, and his hands twist around each other nervously, and he whispers so softly I can barely hear him, "Prove it?"

I nod and I lean closer. My heart pounding so hard I think my whole body is shaking, my lips trembling, I graze his lips with mine. His eyes close and he tilts his head up. I kiss him again, capturing his lips tenderly and uncertainly.

We remain standing there for a moment suspended in time before he breaks it.

"All right," He grins. "Get me out of here."

the end


End file.
